So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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