I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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