I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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