You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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