you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
