I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
two words: eviction party
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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