Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
