dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
