you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
