I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
