so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
