I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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