he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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