he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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