i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize