I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize