Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
