I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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