I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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