Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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