I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
