Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
