You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
