if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
