He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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