my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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