Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
