You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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