were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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