Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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