so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
