Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Someone shattered a urinal.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
