remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
