just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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