There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
