You can't special order awesome
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
