someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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