I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
