We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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