I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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