i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
