i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
