Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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