I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
