My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
