i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
