My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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