I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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