Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
