Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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