I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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