I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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