im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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