My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
