Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
