The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
