i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
