your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
